


More Time With You

by edupunkn00b



Series: All I've Ever Wanted [2]
Category: Doctor Who (2005), Sanders Sides (Web Series), Torchwood
Genre: Canon Related, F/F, F/M, M/M, Other, canon adjacent, sides are souls, soulmates au from the POV of the souls
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 15:06:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29066292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/edupunkn00b/pseuds/edupunkn00b
Summary: Being with the Doctor, you don't get to choose when it stops.Because sometimes,sometimesit never does.
Series: All I've Ever Wanted [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2147658
Comments: 14
Kudos: 8





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TheDeviantSentByJericho](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDeviantSentByJericho/gifts).
  * Inspired by [woodwork](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28961844) by [TheDeviantSentByJericho](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDeviantSentByJericho/pseuds/TheDeviantSentByJericho). 
  * Inspired by [To-Do](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24173878) by [shnuffeluv](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shnuffeluv/pseuds/shnuffeluv). 
  * Inspired by [Sanders Sides BROTP One-Shots](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12480292) by [Xephina_The_Eleven](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xephina_The_Eleven/pseuds/Xephina_The_Eleven). 
  * Inspired by [The Pain of Assignment](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/752580) by Xephina the Eleven. 



> This story has a playlist: [Bright Yellow Soul](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/79ClMPNQulaTmny1hW2Dh6?si=1cc643b8a0f24e8c)  
>  _Spoilersss, Sssweetie ..._
> 
> This story shares a multiverse with and contains spoilers for [The Best of Humanity](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28642566/chapters/70209198).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I found this. Definitive work on soulmates. Well, one of the only ones. Written by a madman. It's barely readable, but I've marked a few passages._

_Imzadi_ , dyads, _Th'y'la_ , _dybbukim_ ... there are nearly as many names for them as there are stars. Here, we call them soulmates. Most cultures share the understanding that, once joined, soulmates remain connected for eternity, throughout time and space. That makes for a blissful happily ever after ending for mortals who meet their soulmates in their lifetimes.

Everything becomes much more complicated when a soul is paired with one for whom " _all of time and space_ " isn't mere hyperbole.

One such person, of course, is the Doctor. Like the phrase _soulmates_ itself, the Doctor is known by many different names by different peoples. The Time Lord of Gallifrey, the Oncoming Storm, John - and also _Joan_ \- Smith, The Valyard, Θσ ... But this isn't the Doctor's story.

This is the story of the Doctor's soulmate. This is my story.


	2. The Pain of Forgetting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _If there was some amazing force outside of time to take us back to where we were  
>  And hang each moment up like pictures on the wall  
> Inside a billion tiny frames so that we can see it all, all, all_
> 
> _It would look like  
>  Will happen, happening happened  
> Will happen, happening happened  
> And there we are again and again  
> 'Cause you and I will always be back then  
> You and I will always be back then  
> You and I will always be best friends_
> 
> \- [Time Adventure, by Rebecca Sugar](https://open.spotify.com/track/1LOJKJJgdO9Usx28LgxToQ)

"We have made an error."

"Oh, no, why would you say that? This is all going swimmingly ... You're **damn right** , you've made an error.." I looked out over the edge of the darkened balcony. We were just close enough that I could see Patton's knees start to buckle and Virgil rushing over to catch him. I couldn't quite make out all of their words. But they didn't appear to be looking for me, either. "They ... they don't even remember me enough to know I'm gone? **Have they _all_ forgotten me**?" I could hear my voice rising but I couldn't bring myself to care. _Even Thomas?_ And Remus ... I shut my eyes against the tears trying to form. I didn't _really_ expect that we'd see Remus again, not after he was so fully reintegrated with Roman ... but I had let my hopes lie to me that there had been a _chance_. One more loss. I gripped the balcony railing tighter, feeling my heart clench and an almost physical pain radiate out from my chest and down my arms.

The Assignment clerk next to me pressed their hands together, eyes darting down, probably to see if my shouting was heard by anyone in the chamber below us. "Please try to remain calm. I am trying to explain ... it's not their fault they don't remember you. We had to ensure they wouldn't miss you when you were reassigned. It is ... _complicated_."

"Well, in that case, _please do_ continue with the vague platitudes. They've been _ever_ so helpful." The other's face bloomed in surprise and I rolled my eyes. " **I want to know what's going on and I want to know now**. Unless, of course, you _want_ me to upset your little apple cart here ... overturn the money changers' tables, so to speak?" I gripped the railing where we stood, leaning forward, ready to bolt over and down to chase after my family.

"There is much we didn't understand ... much we didn't _recall_ about the particulars of Time Lord souls. It's been so long since there's been such an assignment," they sounded almost lost in thought.

"Time Lords? What are you talking about? Thomas was a _mortal human_ ... we watched him die. Four of his soul's aspects are standing right down there. You're not making any sense."

The other met my eyes for the first time. I could see the moment their focus snapped back to the present. "Yes, _Thomas_ is comprised of a mortal soul, and ..." Their voice cracked as they trailed off, suddenly licking his lips. They blinked several times, appearing to steel themselves against ... me? They met my eyes again and pressed on. "First, I need you to understand that, there are more than a few mortal souls that are not actually multi-faceted. Obviously, those souls are not assigned in groups. But ... sometimes ... " 

"Sometimes you fuck that up?" I could feel the rage building. "Just say it," I hissed.

"Sometimes ... sometimes, we make an error. You see, when you and Thomas' other aspects were first assigned, we did not realize ... we didn't know ... "

"Didn't know what?" I fought - and failed - to keep the growl from my voice.

They pressed their lips together and I could see them struggle to still their shaking hands. "We did not realize that you ... you are not merely one part of a multi-faceted soul. It was a mistake to assign you with other facets. You would never be able to bind with them."

Static filled my hearing. _What ... is this why I had to fight so hard to be accepted by the rest? Is this why I never really belonged?_ I stumbled backwards, nearly falling, until I felt the other's strong grip on my shoulders. They steered me toward a bench.

"Please, sit down. Please, there's more you need to hear." I looked up at them and noticed how pinched their expression appeared. For a moment, they looked like more than just some bureaucrat trying to cover up a mistake. Their eyes had softened and I could almost see ... _tears_? "There's no easy way to say this. You had already been bound to another soul."

I leapt to my feet. "How is that even possible? And even if it were, why don't I remember? I've studied all the soulmate tales, it's not exactly ..." I took a breath, fighting to get my thoughts under control. "I'm just _so certain_ I'd simply forget meeting mine."

The other stepped back, and swallowed hard before answering. "Well, it hasn't ... in a way ... you couldn't feel it when you were with the others ... " They twisted their hands together in such a mimicry of Patton's nervous tic that I nearly cried. "Well, it hasn't quite happened for you yet."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first section references events in Xephina the Eleventh's incredible [The Pain of Assignment](https://youtu.be/yhuOMNYOPqQ). The text here on AO3 has been updated and that little nugget lost to the cutting room floor, but the voice recording includes the scene.


	3. Astrid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janus begins his first solitary assignment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"That's the thing with hope. It's hard to resist."_

This new Mindscape was a very different place without other Sides. While it is nice to not have to fight to be heard above the fray, I've been learning, painfully, that Thomas' awareness of us really was unique. We could have actual _conversations_ with Thomas. Now, this new host - self? - usually only hears my words as a vague feeling or intuition. Emotions come through, as well, although Astrid doesn't always understand the reason behind the emotion. Sometimes, with great difficulty, I can break through to her with a few words or a phrase, but it's like screaming into a hurricane and leaves me spent.

Without the other Sides, and without a direct line of communication to my host, most of the time it just feels ... quiet. Calm and mostly peaceful. A little cold, sometimes.

**_Lonely._ **

I shake myself from my reverie, wiping away tears I hadn't felt fall and feeling Astrid do the same. _Wonderfully done, Janus! Bravo, bravo! You've wallowed in self-pity long enough to make her cry, too._ I take a deep breath, re-centering my thoughts on _now_ , and pull on the thread that lets me experience the world outside of the Mindscape.

Astrid's looking up at the stars again. I still haven't quite gotten accustomed to how, well, _alien_ these stars appear. I fear my knowledge has corrupted Astrid because she's started to feel the same wrongness when she looks up at the sky. Like she expects to see Earth's night sky every time she looks up, the same way I do.

I have grown familiar enough with these stars to know that it's well past bedtime. I close my eyes and push away the last lingering _aloneness_ and focus on thoughts of evening tea, a warm shower, and a soft comforter. Gradually, I can feel Astrid allowing the drowsy thoughts to take over and she yawns ...

...

I find myself disassociating more and more often while Astrid goes about her days. It's a depressingly repeatable pattern of working until she can hardly stand any more, star gazing, and sleep. Would her life be any different if it wasn't so ... empty? In one of my more lucid moments, I caught a glimpse of a help wanted ad in the paper Astrid was reading. The word **Titanic** leapt from the page. This planet had an unusual affinity for Earth and the strangest things would filter through. A cursed ship sounded better than this existence. I yanked hard on the thread and shouted with all of my strength **"Do it! Tear off your blindfold and _wack_ that piñata!"** Smiling, Astrid dialed the number in the ad.

...

Gradually, I start to hear ... a crowd, and music. Real music, not this warbling cacophony native to Sto. _Christmas music!_ Astrid is working a party and they're playing _Walking in a Winter Wonderland_. I can't believe I still know all the words. _Was it really that bad being tolerated but not accepted? It was most certainly better than being alone ..._ I'm hit with a memory of sugar cookies and tangled fairy lights ... I nearly lose the thread just as soon as it starts. I grip it tight and lose myself to the music a bit. _We'll have lots of fun with Mister Snowman, until the other kiddies knock him down. Later on, we'll perspire, as we fu--_ Ok, perhaps I don't quite recall the proper lyrics.

"Oh, Miss! Where's my drink?" Back to the present, indeed.

At that moment, Astrid swung around just in time for a walking wannabe Ken doll to bump into her drink tray. "For Tov's sake! Look where you're going! This jacket's a genuine Earth antique" My hands itched to see just how much pressure it would take to stop the sound coming from his windpipe.

 _ **Well just thank you so much for knocking over my drinks, you bumbling excuse for a -**_ But before I could even grasp her attention, Astrid was already apologizing to the cretin. Though, I was proud that it took her half a moment to stop herself from decking him. _There's hope for you yet, dear Astrid. Ugh, but don't pick up glass with your bare hands!_

"Careful." _Finally, someone with some sense._ "There we go ... " Someone has bent down to help Astrid gather the bits of glass.

Workaholic that she always is, Astrid tries to shoo him off. "Thank you, sir. I can manage."

Unperturbed, his words remain kind, "I never said you couldn't. I'm the Doctor by the way."

 _What did he say? The Doctor!? The Doctor? **ASTRID, LOOK UP NOW!**_ I shout at her. Finally, she meets his eyes ...

"Astrid, sir, Astrid Peth."

_Wait, what was that in his eyes? **ASTRID, LOOK AT HIS EYES! SHOW ME HIS EYES!**_

I don't know if it's from fighting to be heard or from the man in front of her, but my head starts to spin and I can't quite catch my breath. It's the Doctor. It's the Doctor. But wait, this isn't Joan. This is a different Doctor. This is ... That bureaucrat's voice fills my ears, "You had already been bound to another soul ... you couldn't feel it when you were with the others ... "

_It's the Doctor. The Doctor is my soulmate. And I've found him.  
_

I shout into the void, _ **"Astrid,** **do whatever you have to do, say whatever you have to say - STAY WITH HIM!"**_

"𝚂𝚝𝚊𝚢 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚑𝚒𝚖," Astrid's voice echoed back to me.

_Wait, did that work? " **Astrid, can you hear me?"**_

Astrid's voice sounded uneasy. "𝚈𝚎𝚜, 𝚘𝚏 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜𝚎, 𝚋𝚞𝚝, 𝚠𝚎𝚕𝚕, 𝚠𝚑𝚘 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚢-"

_" **LATER! Just stay with the Doctor! Keep talking, just keep talking to him!"** _

Ok, she's got his attention now. Now, what was that!? I was reeling ... I found the Doctor again. That can't be a coincidence. And ... there was _something_ in his eyes when we met. He saw something, too, and not just what everyone seemed to see when they looked at Astrid. There was something stirring behind his eyes. What, what did he just say?

"How did you get on board?" Astrid's voice is excited and, well, happier than I've heard in a long time.

The Doctor shrugged. "Accident. I've got this, sort of, ship thing." _Ha! Yess, Doctor, and I have this sort of lisp thing!_

"I was just rebuilding her. Left the defences down. Bumped into the Titanic. Here I am." The Doctor shrugged. "Bit of a party. I thought, why not?"

 **"Astrid, tell him you'll report him, but, you know ... flirt a little."** _What the hell am I doing?_

"I should report you." _Yes!_ _She said it! It feels so good! So good!_

Then the Doctor flirted right back, "Go on then."

_**"And what are you going to say to that, Astrid?"** _

Astrid licked her lips and looked the Doctor up and down. _Thattagirl!_ "I'll get you a drink on the house."

I needed to think. The Doctor just admitted to a near stranger, not any stranger, to a member of the staff that he's a stowaway? Why else is he trusting her so much? It took years for Joan to trust us enough to tell us they were the Doctor. The Doctor must sense something in her. He must sense ... me? Does this work both ways?

And why is Astrid suddenly listening to me so much more?

"𝙸 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚛 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚒𝚗 𝚖𝚢 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚍, 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝'𝚜 𝚠𝚑𝚢 𝙸'𝚖 𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞. 𝙸𝚏 𝚢𝚘𝚞'𝚛𝚎 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚖𝚎, 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚠𝚑𝚘 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞?" Astrid's voice rang clear through the Mindscape. "𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚊𝚜 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚐 𝚊𝚜 𝙸 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚍𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚔. 𝚆𝚑𝚘 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞?"

_**"Well, then, my dear, we don't have enough time for a complete explanation. My name is Janus and would you believe ... I'm your soul?"** _

...

Astrid was remarkably sanguine about the seemingly sudden appearance of a hissing internal voice. I looked around through her eyes, and I suppose I'm might be the least odd thing in her world. Astrid - _Should I say 'we'_? - is with the Doctor down on Earth. Astrid's certainly the least odd thing in **my** world right now.

"𝚈𝚎𝚜, 𝚢𝚎𝚜 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚜𝚊𝚢 '𝚠𝚎'." Astrid interrupted my musings and I had to stifle a laugh. _Had I been speaking out loud?_

"𝚈𝚎𝚜, 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚎𝚛𝚎. 𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚍𝚘 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚊 𝚕𝚘𝚝, 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠."

Now I can't stop the laughter from bubbling up. _I could get used to this._


	4. Flying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Everybody knows that everybody dies. And nobody knows it like **me**._

How can so much go **so** wrong in just a few hours?

My thoughts kept returning to the ship while the clerk droned on. "And despite the factually incorrect and frankly homophobic binary slant to the soulmate theory described by Plato ... " I huffed, thinking of the original version of that joke I proposed. " ... soulmates can be anywhere on the gender spectrum and are often, but not exclusively, romantic bonds. It's theorized that souls only achieve their full agency after meeting their mates - "

I interrupted them, "Thank you for that concise and clear explanation. 'Full agency'? Is that why Astrid listened to me more after we met the Doctor? Does that mean I'll have an easier time with my next host?" ~~_It really couldn't be **more** difficult, could it?_~~ _Never mind. Yes, it could._

An irritated expression flashed across their features for a moment and then was gone. They shrugged, "erm, perhaps? There's still so much we don't understand ... however your assignments are proving to be enlightening. The discovery that you will continue to be eligible for assignment to new hosts for as long as your soulmate lives was a **major** revelation."

"I'm ssso pleased that my agony has brought you closer to a Zen-like understanding of soulmate theory." I closed my eyes and pressed a hand against my forehead ... _how can a soul get a migraine?_ "I trust that in the twenty-six years I spent with Astrid you've come closer to finding me an _appropriate_ host? One who spends more than a single day of her life with the Doctor?" It almost felt worse to know how close we were to the Doctor just to have the floor **literally fall our from under us**. _I'd rather not have known. I'd rather not have met him._

My tongue flicked. _Old habits ..._ That lie was sour. Of course I'd rather know with certainty who I was supposed to be looking for. And those few hours of closeness to the Doctor and of finally being heard by my host were ... well, that was as close to actual bliss that I'd ever experienced.

Until it ended.

...

While it pains me to admit it, [I was a little over-exuberant](https://youtu.be/KCr3SN6vWFQ?t=2835), both at meeting the Doctor (again) and finally being able to have an actual conversation with Astrid. By the time I'd fully recovered, the Doctor and Astrid were standing outside, on _Earth_ , talking to a street vendor ... about the Queen of England? Before I could ask Astrid what was going on, we were being teleported back to the ship. The Doctor was not pleased.

"I was in mid-sentence!" While the Doctor went off, though, I could see ship security approaching the group, collecting the teleporter bracelets.

**_" Astrid, quick, hide - you weren't supposed to be down there. "_ **

"𝙾𝚑, 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚔?" I laughed as I realized that she was already subtly covering her wrist and moving out of sight before I even warned her. As Astrid ducked behind the doctor and away from the group, I could just hear the group saying something about power fluctuations ... 

_**" Good, you're in the clear. Now, where can we talk? "** _

Astrid found a suitable spot near a drink station, just far away enough from the group to not attract attention, and just close enough that we could keep a watch over the Doctor. "𝙰𝚕𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚗, 𝚜𝚘 𝚠𝚑𝚘 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢??" she began.

I chuckled. _**" I appreciate your instincts, but we have more important things to talk about. I am who I said before. I am your soul. Essentially, I am a metaphysical being who encapsulates large portions of your personality and sense of self. I have been with you since before you were born. Until we met the Doctor. "**_ I paused, unsure of how far I could push this explanation before I lost her credulity. **_" Astrid, I will be blunt. The Doctor is our soulmate. I'm your soul, so I can help you recognize him. "_** I considered telling her more of my own earlier history with the Doctor, or of the decades I had spent shouting like a silent film actor in her head, but decided we needed the short version right now. We would have time to go through the whole, long story later.

"𝙱𝚞𝚝 𝚗𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚎𝚡𝚙𝚕𝚊𝚒𝚗𝚜 𝚠𝚑𝚢 𝚢𝚘𝚞'𝚛𝚎 𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎."

I opened my mouth to answer and instead blew out a sharp breath as we could see a commotion forming around the Doctor. _**" Why is anyone? I mean this sincerely, my dear, I will happily debate metaphysical philosophy, the meaning of life, good and evil, the impermanence of love and the deceitful construct that is society later on, but right now, we need to get back to the Doctor and find out what's going on. "**_

...

Why didn't I just talk with her more? _Oh, because of course you knew what was going to happen._ I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to push away the look on the Doctor's face as Astrid gripped the gear shift, pushing the fork lift into a higher gear and slamming a foot on the accelerator. I tried to forget my own voice screaming _**" Astrid, no! You won't survive this! Get out, get out, GET OUT - "**_

But it was too late.

As the wheels of the forklift lost their purchase and we started to tip over the edge, I could feel Astrid's terror flowing through the Mindscape. She shared the sickening feeling of gravity accelerating and then suddenly there was - _nothing_. Nothing but the droning voice of this ridiculous Assignment clerk.

I opened my eyes and looked up at them. They faced me, but looked right through me. _Fine._ "Oh, cut to the song. As entertaining and informative as this lecture is, certainly you must have a point to make," I wanted to sound bored, but it came out like a growl. They looked away, refusing to meet my eyes, and simply gestured to the portal. "Penny in the air," I whispered, and stepped inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _And, because no-one asked, but **O** h **M** y **L** ogic, the darkness of this story escalated quickly._
> 
> Incorrect quotes:  
>  **Remus:** I know my Plato, I've been eating 'm since I was, like, 20!  
>  **Logan:** Eating Plato ... ? Oh my goodness, are you quoting Aristotle now?  
>  **Patton:** Woah! Goodnight, everybody!  
>  **Roman:** I didn't know you made jokes like that.  
> 


	5. The Penny Drops

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Trust in me, just in me  
>  Shut your eyes, trust in me  
> You can sleep safe and sound  
> Knowing I am around  
> _
> 
> \- Trust in Me, The Jungle Book (2014)

The first thing I notice is light, so much light. Bright and cold, blinding, unending light. I can't close my eyes against it, I can't block it away with my hands. How can it be so bright and so cold at the same time? I take in a breath, hold, breath out. Again.

Slowly, painfully slowly, I start to be aware of more in this new Mindscape. I can feel a _buzzing_ in my ears, as though there was a loud sound and everything suddenly went very quiet. I am lying on the floor. It's hard and so cold that at first I think it might be ice. I think I'm starting to see shapes in the light, but I can't be sure. I lie there for a long time.

After a few hours - days? - seconds? - everything goes dark. Well, near-dark. I wave a hand in front of my face and I can just barely make out shadowy movement. I widen my eyes, hoping to adjust to the darkness and I can get some sense of what is around me. This is so different from my early experiences with both Thomas and Astrid. Astrid's mind had been fairly quiet in the early days, with near-constant, gently shifting light and I could almost immediately feel what she was feeling. With Thomas ... the cacophony started the moment I first became aware and didn't really stop until - _Don't. Don't start down that path, shut up and turn around._ With Thomas, it was different.

This ... what is _this_ , then? Have I somehow missed connecting with a host and ended up in some sort of limbo? _Yes, Janus, Limbo is real. Ssstop._ I can feel my chest tightening and my throat closing and I need to breath. Who says you need to be corporeal to have a panic attack? Breath in. Hold. Breath out. Again. Again. _Again._

Suddenly, I hear something. Tears of relief burn in my eyes. I'm not alone. _~~Not again.~~_ I stay very still and listen and hear ... crying. Very quiet and faint, but definitely crying. It's not a cry from the outside world. It's coming from, well, everywhere, here in the Mindscape. A baby's cry. Realization hits. _Oh. Of course._ It's been a very long time - Astrid couldn't actually hear my voice this young and there was no need when she was older - but I try the only thing I can think of. I sing.

_You are my sunshine, my only sunshine ..._

It won't qualify me for an EGOT, but I think the room is now the tiniest bit brighter. I stand up and try again.

_You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey ..._

The room has started to glow with a bright, gentle light. I can feel warmth return to the air. _It's working!_

_You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,  
You make me happy when skies are grey.  
You'll never know dear, how much I love you,  
Please don't take my sunshine away._

The entire room brightens and I can feel the thread to the outside world. I feel a last knot untie in my chest and I gently - _gently_ \- tug at the thread to see and hear what's going on around my new host. I can hear a voice - my host's mother?

"I wish I could tell you that you'll be loved, that you'll be safe and cared for and protected." Yes, this is definitely my new - newborn - host's mother. There's a clinical feel to the room we're in, and there's no mistaking both the the look in this woman's eyes as she looks at her child, my host, nor the feeling in my host as they look up at their mother. Then the meaning of the mother's words starts to sink in and I feel ice form in my stomach. _What the hell is going on? **This** is the first thing a newborn hears?_

"But this isn't a time for lies. What you are going to be, Melody, is very, very brave."


	6. Melody

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Train up a child in the way she should go,  
> And when she is old she will not depart from it.
> 
> Proverbs, 22:6

I sang a lot over the next two or three years.

Melody's mother was not wrong. While my host wasn't neglected _physically_ , including even the minimum amount of physical touch humans require, there was no-one in the outside world who appeared to actually _love_ this little girl.

All of my perceptions of her life were filtered through her own understanding, so I'm not completely certain of everything that happened in those early years. There are a few vivid pieces that broke through even an infant's understanding, but even those made little sense. The earliest was a sudden snap of pain when it felt like her mother literally disappeared. I don't understand what objectively happened, but for Melody, it was - it was painful. That much came through very, very clearly.

The strongest part of her world that would break through clearly to me in those early, early years was **Madame**.

Madame both terrified and captivated Melody. That disturbing mixture of fear and ... childlike reverence would flood the Mindscape whenever they were together. Fortunately, she wasn't around everyday. I don't think she actually lived with Melody, but she held power over those who did. Even as a small toddler, Melody perceived the fear coming off of those around her whenever Madame was around. And she shared that perception with me.

Once Melody grew old enough for some semblance of school, Madame took on the role of teacher.

They began with a story - **Golidilocks and the Three Bears,** of all things. _I will simply never become accustomed to the odd things that filter and propagate all throughout the Universe from Earth._ After Madame read her the story, Melody asked if she was _her_ Mama Bear. I could feel my own heart crack at the purity of the question. It then completely shattered at Madame's response.

"Oh, of course not, Melody," Madame said matter-of-factly, patting Melody on the arm. "You have no mama or papa. Your parents were taken from you." I could feel Melody's little heart pound in her chest.

I could also taste the lies.

"Why? How do I get them back?" I was buffeted by the anger I felt toward Madame for lying to the little girl in her care and by the overwhelming ... respect? Amazement? Yes, amazement that I felt for this tiny child's bravery and reflexive intent to take action.

Madame stared into Melody's eyes, narrowing her own. "You'll first need to find the man who took them from you." _LIESSS!_ "You'll need to find the Doctor."

...

" _Melody_ ... " I call to her gently as I can. Melody has been crying since Madame ended her first lesson and left the room. " _Sunshine?_ " Her crying doesn't stop, but a shift in the Mindscape tells me that I have her attention. " _Melody, would you like me to sing you a song?_ "

A quiet " ... y͎e͎s͎,͎ ͎J͎a͎n͎u͎s͎ ... " whispers through the Mindscape.

I sing until, gradually, Melody's tears have stopped falling and I can feel a calmness fall over the Mindscape. She might be ready to talk about what happened. I'm uncertain how to broach this. _How do I tell this little child that she's being lied to? To hell with how - **should** I?_ " _Melody?_ " I began softly.

I can sense the small smile tugging at her face and take a moment to relish the trust she has in me. _Is she ready for this? Are **you**?_ "Y͎e͎s͎,͎ ͎J͎a͎n͎u͎s͎?"

I take a breath, and press as much love and compassion as I possibly can into my tone. " _I heard what Madame said ... what she said about your parents._ " I pause, giving her time to interrupt, to ask for another song or a story, to do anything to stop me from telling her the truth if she isn't ready to hear it. 

Instead, I feel burning, childlike anger rising in her. "I'm going to get them back from the Doctor," she whispers out loud. "I **hate** the Doctor." She starts kicking at a pillow on her bed. _Truth it is._

" _Melody ... Sunshine, I need to tell you something very important. Are you listening?_ " She stops kicking. " _Good, very good. Thank you, Melody._ " I don't know where to start. An idea burns its way through my chest. " _I've met the Doctor, you know._ " 

She sits up straight. "Y͎o͎u͎ ͎h͎a͎v͎e͎?" Now I really her attention.

" _Yes. Yes, I have. And ... Sunshine ..._ " I steel myself against whatever reaction this is about to provoke. Memories of banishment swim in front of me. How do you banish your whole inner self? " _Sunshine ... the Doctor I know would **never** take away a little girl's parents. _"

"B͎u͎t͎ ͎M͎a͎d͎a͎m͎e ͎s͎a͎i͎d͎ ͎-͎ " she began, a note of uncertainty laced through her voice. 

" _I know, Sunshine. I know. You need to hear me and -_ " I take a breath. " _And you're going to need to be brave,_ " the unconscious memory of her mother's words is woven into this little girl's psyche. It was the first thing we heard in this world. It feels like a dirty trick to use these words now, but what Melody needs most right now is truth. And what I need most is for her to believe me. " _Sunshine ... Sweetie ... Madame is lying to you. And ... I don't think your parents are the only things that she's lying about._ "

"B͎u͎t͎ ͎w͎h͎y͎?͎ ͎W͎h͎y͎ ͎w͎o͎u͎l͎d͎ ͎s͎h͎e͎ ͎l͎i͎e͎,͎ ͎J͎a͎n͎u͎s͎?"

" _I don't know, Melody. I don't know. We'll need to find out together._ "

...

We fell into a regular pattern after that day.

One of Madame's staff would wake Melody to dress and make her bed. She ate breakfast, and was sent outside, alone, to play on a large jungle gym. She played outside each morning, rain or shine. It was covered by an overhang from the building and fenced all around. There were little peeks of the outside world on the edges of the fencing. One time, I thought I saw a 1960s-style car drive by. It was shiny and caught Melody's attention from where she'd climbed up to the top of the monkey bars. _Are we on Earth? All of time and space and we're on **Earth**?_ I huffed in surprise and tucked away that bit of information to ponder about later. Later was lunch, then lessons with Madame, followed by dinner, a bath, bedtime and a lullaby from me to sooth her to sleep. _**Never** more than one lullaby, of courssse._

If it wasn't for the old security cameras I had spotted a a few times trained on the play area and the diningroom, along with the _utter and complete lack of any other children_ , one could nearly mistake this for an idyllic environment, one carefully planned to raise a healthy and strong child.

That was the thought that gave me pause. All of this seemed terribly _orchestrated_. Every moment of her day was scheduled, every activity was purposeful - even the play seemed more like _strength training_ than actual play time. I turned the thoughts around, trying to see how it all fit together. We're missing big pieces of the puzzle. We needed more information.

...

Melody's life continued in this way for a long time. With every day being the same, It's hard to know exactly how long it had been. One morning, though, Madame herself came to wake up Melody. As Madame opened the door, some _creature_ followed behind her. It was like some kind of cryptid. Bald and tall, with giant dark eyes and nightmarishly long fingers,. **"J͎A͎N͎U͎S͎!͎"** Melody screamed into the Mindscape. **"J͎A͎N͎U͎S͎,͎ ͎W͎H͎A͎T͎ ͎I͎S͎ ͎T͎H͎A͎T͎!͎"**


	7. Within the Sound of Silence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Hello darkness, my old friend  
>  I've come to talk with you again  
> Because a vision softly creeping  
> Left its seeds while I was sleeping  
> And the vision that was planted in my brain  
> Still remains  
> Within the sound of silence_
> 
> -The Sound of Silence, Simon & Garfunkel (1964)

"Melody, are you ready?"

Melody quickly turned and looked at Madame. _Ready for what?_ Melody's stomach rumbled. She hadn't eaten breakfast yet. Why is Madame here already? Melody opened her mouth as though to answer, but her uncertainty momentarily silenced her.

Madame pressed her lips together for a moment and then said again, "It's time for breakfast. Melody, are you ready?"

Melody blinked twice and nodded, "Yes, Madame."

"Don't dawdle, then. Your breakfast is waiting," Madame looked down at Melody. "And after you eat, you'll start your lessons." Melody followed Madame out of the room, whispering fiercely into the Mindscape, "Janus? Janus, I - I don't feel well. Janus? **Janus!?** "

\---

" ... j͎a͎n͎u͎s͎ ... " Melody's voice filters through the Mindscape as though through an ocean. I blink my eyes and try to breathe, focusing on her voice, waiting for the background warbling to stop. " ... J͎a͎n͎u͎s͎?͎"

" _M - Melody -_ " I stammer, my voice breaking. Speaking took more energy than I had expected. I try again. " _Melody, I'm here._ "

"J͎a͎n͎u͎s͎,͎ ͎s͎o͎m͎e͎t͎h͎i͎n͎g͎ ͎f͎e͎e͎l͎s͎ ͎b͎a͎d͎ ͎i͎n͎s͎i͎d͎e͎.͎ ͎A͎m͎ ͎I͎ ͎s͎i͎c͎k͎?͎" Maybe that's all this was. Melody has always been far healthier than either Astrid or Thomas at this age. Perhaps we're simply not accustomed to small illnesses. A dark thought surfaces. _Of course Melody has had fewer illnesses ... she can't exactly catch something from friends when she hasn't got any ... _

" _Yes, Sunshine, I think ... I think that must be it._ " We had just woken up a few moments ago, but we're not in her room. I tug a little harder on the thread, trying to see more around us. Melody is sitting at the table, breakfast in front of her. " _Sunshine, try to eat something and then let's see how you're feeling afterwards._ " I need time to think. I'd never lost our connection quite like this before and I need to understand what happened. A sour ache deep in my heart made me fear this was more than just a cold.

\---

Without the usual celebrations and rhythms of a typical school child's year, it was difficult to maintain a strong grasp of time. The only real evidence that days turned to weeks and months in this never-ending life on loop was that Melody was growing. Like any child - _any **normal** child, don't you mean, Janus?_ \- Melody outgrew clothes and, from time to time, we would return from dinner to see a new pair of - larger - shoes or a jumper at the end of her bed.

I couldn't shake the uncomfortable feeling that her world just didn't make sense. I began noticing lots of small but sudden changes - I saw that Melody's hair suddenly was much shorter after lunch one day, and the color of her blanket seemed to change from green to a white and pink stripes overnight. Throughout the day, objects in her room would appear to change position from moment to moment, or Melody would close her eyes while in one room and would be in a different part of the house when she opened them.

I spent increasingly long stretches of time reviewing Melody's old memories while she slept, trying to unravel this mess of inputs. I started to notice ... _gaps_.

The gaps weren't obvious, and I never would have noticed them at all if I hadn't specifically gone searching her memory for anomalies. Once I discovered the first gap, though, I knew what to look for and I found more and more ... and more. My hands started to shake. _This isn't normal. What's wrong with her?_ The only thing I could think that could cause this was some type of degenerative neurological disorder. I had grown quite attached to this little girl and the thought of her wasting away like this, losing parts of herself before she'd even really had a chance to experience the world was nearly too much to bear. _Is that why she's kept here? Is this supposed to be some sort of kindness? Oh, my Sunshine, no -_ I shook myself, feeling my thoughts spiraling and growing fuzzier. I - perhaps spending this much time in her memories was more dangerous than I had anticipated.

Just as I had decided to let go of the mystery for the night, Melody's eyes shot open. Something woke her in her room. In my stupor and through the darkness of her room, I could just make out a fuzzy figure standing over Melody's bed. Melody's voice called out to me, "J͎A͎N͎U͎S͎!͎ ͎T͎H͎E͎ ͎M͎O͎N͎S͎T͎E͎R͎S͎!͎ ͎T͎H͎E͎Y͎'͎R͎E͎ ͎H͎E͎R͎E͎!͎ 

" _Wha- what, Sunshine? What monsters? "_ I couldn't think over the buzzing in my head and I could feel the thread to her perception slipping through my fingers. I fought to keep my grip, wrapping the glimmering strands around my wrists. I couldn't feel my fingers, but now I couldn't let go. _... Don't let go, don't let go, don't let go don't let go don'tletgo_

" J͎a͎n͎u͎s͎,͎ ͎i͎t͎'͎s͎ ͎t͎h͎e͎ ͎S͎p͎a͎c͎e͎m͎a͎n͎ ͎a͎g͎a͎i͎n͎!͎ ͎H͎e͎l͎p͎ ͎m͎e͎!͎ " 

I forced my eyes open and followed the thread. _Again?!_ Melody was right, there was a spacesuit standing in front of her. " _Mel - Melody, look at the door, can you ... can you get out?_ " 

"N͎o͎,͎ ͎J͎a͎n͎u͎s͎,͎ ͎t͎h͎e͎ ͎m͎o͎n͎s͎t͎e͎r͎'͎s͎ ͎b͎l͎o͎c͎k͎i͎n͎g͎ ͎t͎h͎e͎ ͎d͎o͎o͎r͎.͎" _Damn, damn, damn, damn ..._ Our shared panic started to spiral. I struggled to think. _Get her out of there!_

" _Sunshine, the wi- window?_ " It was getting even more difficult to speak, but I couldn't abandon her. _Keep it together, Janus, you're all she has right now._

"M͎a͎d͎a͎m͎e ͎i͎s͎ ͎t͎h͎e͎r͎e͎.͎ ͎J͎a͎n͎u͎s͎,͎ ͎I͎'͎m͎ ͎s͎c͎a͎r͎e͎d͎ ͎.͎.͎.͎"

" _be brave, Melody, be brave ... do ... do whatever you need -_ " The Mindscape was getting darker and it felt like water closing over my head. One last breath. " _Do whatever you need to survive, Sunshine ..._ "

\---

There was a rushing sound and I broke through the surface. " _Melody! Melody, find help!_ " The perception thread is still wrapped around my wrists and I tug with all my strength. Slowly the outside world filters through.

We're in a room full of old equipment. I hear a man's voice over a speaker, "... where are you phoning from ... ?" His voice sounds concerned and perhaps a little familiar. Most importantly, he doesn't sound like Madame or any of her staff.

" _Mel - Melody, sweetie, I see a window ... can you look? You see the big street sign? Tell him where we are ..._ " Dark waters close over my head again.

\---

I am bobbing like a boat in a storm. The only thing stopping me from becoming completely lost to Melody's subconscious is my tenuous grip on the perception thread. I grasp at the words that break through ... 

"It's alright - I'm sending my best people ..."

"We've moved ... how ... how can we have moved?"

"You realize this is almost certainly a trap?"

I wash ashore and lay on the floor of the Mindscape for a long while before I open my eyes and pull on the thread. " _Sun - Sunshine, what's - what's happening? Are you safe?_ " 

"J͎a͎n͎u͎s͎?͎ ͎W͎h͎e͎r͎e͎ ͎d͎i͎d͎ ͎y͎o͎u͎ ͎g͎o͎?͎" In the Mindscape, Melody's voice is small and strained. "Y͎o͎u͎ ͎l͎e͎f͎t͎ ͎m͎e͎ ͎.͎.͎.͎ ͎I͎'͎m͎ ͎s͎c͎a͎r͎e͎d͎.͎ ͎T͎h͎e͎r͎e͎ ͎a͎r͎e͎ ͎p͎e͎o͎p͎l͎e͎ ͎h͎e͎r͎e͎,͎ ͎J͎a͎n͎u͎s͎.͎"

Waves of guilt crash against me. " _I'm so sorry, Sunshine, I - something happens when you see the m-_ " My voice cuts out. I try again. " _When you see the mo-"_ " Why can't I say it? Then her words sink in. _What people?_ I pull on the thread so I can see through her eyes.

Melody is peering through a cracked doorway into a large room filled with crates and menacing-looking equipment. There are several people snooping about, flashlights in-hand. A woman suddenly turns around, practically facing us and I nearly drop the thread in shock. Long red hair, eyes wide and lips pressed tightly together. Fear and anger and determination all wrapped up together.

I know that face. " _Melody! Melody, I think that's your mother!_ "

"My mother ... " Melody whispers out loud. 

" _I think so. Sunshine, what's she saying ... can you get a little closer?_ " Melody creeps through the doorway and behind a tower of wooden crates ... 

" ... So, you were kicked out of the FBI because you had attitude problems?"

"No, I just wanted to get married."

She squinted her eyes a bit, clearly skeptical. "Is that a crime?" 

"Yes." The man looks at her, mask slipping for just a moment and even from across the room, I can see the tightening around his mouth and the pain in his eyes. In a moment, it's gone and his casual tone returns. He gestures across the room, "Doctor who, exactly?" 

Melody rips her eyes away from her mother to where the man gestured and sees a tall man in a brown tweed jacket and a bow tie fiddling with equipment. My head starts to spin and Melody's eyes open wide, "The Doctor! I hate the Doctor," her voice echoes through the Mindscape.

" _Sunshine, no, no you don't. That's Madame talking. We don't even know if that's actually him - Wait, Melody -_ " But I know it's him. He looks different than before, but there's no mistaking the ... sense I get from him. It's him, I know it. I can feel Melody start to tense and prepare to run. Whether to her mother or to the Doctor, I can't tell. " _Sunshine, wait, you're safe right now - we need to understand what's going on. Please, sweetie, wait - "_

Melody turns around and runs right into one of the monsters. She screams, slowly backing away. "Help me!" Melody's movements are clumsy. That's when I realize she's wearing the spacesuit from her bedroom. I can feel the buzzing starting again. _No, not now!_ "Help! Help me!" The man who'd been talking to her mother comes running down the hall toward us, gun at the ready. Melody turns away, squeezing her eyes shut. We hear a thud as he falls to the floor.

" _Hide!_ " I pray my voice gets through the fog.

Melody crouches in the doorway, looking back to where he fell. The Doctor and her mother are there. Melody turns and starts toward them. "Help me!" she cries again. Suddenly her mother pulls a gun out from the man's holster.

"Amy, what are you doing?" the Doctor shouted. _Amy, her name is Amy, your mother's name is Amy_ I try to force into Melody's memory.

Amy shuts her eyes and fires right at Melody's head. I shout to Melody, " _**Sunshine, look out!**_ " 

The gun goes off, the bullet hitting and cracking the face plate of her helmet. Melody kept walking toward her mother, hand reaching for her, "Help me, help me!"

I could feel the buzzing slowly fade as she watches them run, the monsters nowhere in sight.

I am starting to understand.

" _Sunshine. Sunshine, we need to hide before the mo-_ " Understanding or not, I can't speak the word. " _We need to run before they come back._ " 

Understanding the gaps and finally comprehending the lost connection with Melody does little to help me figure out how to fight against it. And if we can't fight, we run.

" _Melody, Sunshine, we need we need to get out of here. Before the next time -_ " I want to cry knowing that there **will** be a next time. " _You need to run. We'll find your parents but you've got to get out of here before those mo- Before they hurt you more._ "

Melody turns and comes face-to-face with Madame and three of the monsters. I grasp the thread, drowning again in the buzzing, churning waters. " _Run, Sunshine, run ..._ "

"Now you don't you see, Melody?" Madame snarled. "Now you know what the Doctor looks like. You see he has your mother." Madame reached out and gripped her gloved hand. "It's time to go home. You've got work to do."


End file.
